An Interview with Donald J. Trump

Donald Trump has been in the news a lot, don’t you think? But why? Such an obvious question and yet it seems like there’s no clear answer. Well, I had the opportunity to interview Donald Trump and ask him those sort of questions and a whole lot more. In the interview, Mr. Trump seems candid. He is certainly confident. I hope you enjoy this fictitious, and oddly insightful, interview:

Henry Chamberlain: Thank you for doing this interview, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Glad to be here.

HC: I wanted to start with an observation I made some years back. It was on an episode of “The Apprentice.” I remember that you fired a team leader over the name of the brand he chose to use. He went with a name that began with a lower case letter like, or example, he used “munchies,” instead of beginning with an upper case letter, like “Munchies.” You said you couldn’t work with someone who would make such a huge mistake. But it wasn’t a mistake. It was a style choice. You insisted that it was a flat out mistake and that you’d never seen such a style choice made before.

DT: Do we use a lower case letter to begin the word, America? I rest my case.

HC: I have friends who support you.

DT: Of course you do!

HC: I don’t question their integrity or anything like that. What I think has happened is that it’s so easy to get caught up in the hoopla of your campaign.

DT: Look, we’re going to be doing great things, really fantastic stuff.

HC: I liked the interview you did with Jimmy Kimmel.

DT: I like Kimmel.

HC: At least, he was able to bring up the fact that the character of Biff in “Back to the Future” is supposed to be based on you.

DT: Sounds like fun.

HC: I think the problem is that the media does not want to be too hard on you in fear of tearing down such valuable entertainment content. At the end of the day, you’re an entertainment goldmine.

DT: Listen, it’s going to take a gold standard in leadership to get us out of this mess we’re in.

HC: Every time it looks like you’ve stepped on a political landmine, you survive. If the media wanted to focus on your outrageous statements alone, they could. But they keep moving on. Just the one statement you made about viewing thousands of Muslims celebrating on September 11, 2001 would be enough to end the career of most politicians. Just the video of you mocking the disability of a New York Times reporter which you don’t like would be enough to end the career of most politicians.

DT: Look, what this country needs is less of your typical politician. Remember, I am not a politician. I am beholden to no one. When you get me, you get one hundred percent me.

HC: It’s interesting how your outrageous proposals, by default of the media’s inaction, are given credibility. It’s like out of a bad movie to propose a wall along the Mexican border. It’s like out of a bad movie to propose to keep Muslims out of the country.

DT: Listen, these are extraordinary times that demand extraordinary vision.

HC: When do you think your campaign will come to an end?

DT: I’m sorry, I don’t follow.

HC: When will you have had enough fun with this?

DT: Believe me, I’m having a lot of fun. People are having a lot of fun, feeling good about America. I’ve only just begun.

HC: Do you really believe you’ll go head to head with Hillary Clinton?

DT: Please, such a low energy person and with a whole lot of other problems, if you know what I’m saying.

HC: Is there a place for Jeb Bush in a Trump administration?

DT: Ah, a little joke. I appreciate that. Well, you know, I think he’s proven it’s time for him to retire.

HC: Will Trump Force One replace Air Force One?

DT: We’re looking into that.

HC: Thank you for your time, Mr. Trump.

DT: Glad to do it.